July 30, 1999. I'm sure this country is doing it's best to make me wonder why I ever left the States. Not only do I have to move, do I get robbed in my own home and do I get a killer bout of bronchitis; one-eyed, emotive, and jingoistic reporting that seems to think only dead Australians matter abounds. I should be grateful, it is amusing, but it's the kind of amusing that's made better when you can read it out over the table to your appreciative best friend, who, unfortunately, is still in that other country. Bastard.
Anyway, from today's Age: "[The party of 44] could hardly have sensed that the waving local children were unwittingly bidding them farewell. As they passed the neat, orderly forest piles of freshly cut firewood [oh, those neat neat Swiss], they could not have foreseen that Switzerland's chocolate-box beauty would melt before them and the sweet-smelling mist that enveloped the mountainside firs and pines would give way to the smell of fear".
Guess they weren't wearing their Norsca, then.
I guess I should just be glad that it's not John Laws reporting.
May 24, 1999. I popped into a milkbar in Thornbury today to get a drink and the paper to amuse myself while I waited for a tram, but decided to skip the drink when I checked the use-by date on the tomato juice I was going to buy and thank god I did. The use-by date? July 1997.
May 18, 1999. I've started watching Ally McBeal. I'm in love with Ling. But puh-lease! I don't ever want to see two skinny, big-haired chicks fake a kiss again. And besides, any real lesbian knows that pashing a chick in front of a wannabe suitor just gets them more excited. Now you're a challenge *and* there's a chance he'll get a threesome with two women.
May 18, 1999. Too much work and too much homework. It's a combination guaranteed to get me ranting. Ok, and procrastinating.
Anyway, in today's Age there was a story about the federal Health Minister, Michael Wooldridge, who was accused of 'verbally abusing a 71-year-old constituent'. Young Mr Woollie had sent out almost 2 million letters, addressed to 'Older Australians' explaining private health insurance arrangements after last Tuesday's Budget.
Mr Harley-Green, the 71-year-old in question, had in return faxed Woollie's office with his response to the letter. I'll quote everything the Age printed, as I think it's a fantastic fax, the kind of thing you always think you'll get around to sending those who spam your letterbox, but rarely do. According to the Age, he called Woollie a
'patronising, overbearing bastard. How dare you address me as Dear Older Australian? If I needed advice I certainly would not seek it from any egomaniac using the outdated title 'The Hon', an oxymoron if ever there was one when used by a politician. Keep away from my letterbox in future, fart face'.
I guess it struck home because just over an hour later young thin-skinned Woollie rang the old guy's house. Apparently he was in the shower, so the chivalrous Woollie asked if his wife, who answered the phone, took shorthand. Despite the fact that she was female and therefore probably a secretary, she doesn't take shorthand, so he just told her to 'write this down and give it to your husband'. The message was 'to tell [him] that [he's] a rude fucking nitwit loser and don't waste my time'.
My vote: old guy 1, publically accountable politician, 0.
May 17, 1999. Lest you think I'm being slack, I'd like to point out that a whole, long rant about country people was finally written up the other day. Yay for me.
May 13, 1999. Suck shit, John Howard.
May 7, 1999. Petty, trivial, I know, but I nearly died when someone said 'spat-ual' for 'spatial' the other day. Does that make me a bad person?
May 1, 1999. I saw 'The Avengers' the other day. Oh deary me. This movie really did deserve to be panned both by critics and the general pulibc.
Sean Connery looks like Burt Reynolds, Ralph looks like nothing much, and Uma looks like Poison Ivy.
It can't decide if it's paying witty homage or ripping off movies like Return of the Jedis (tell me they weren't thinking of the scene in which Storm Troopers on those floaty bike things chase Ewoks through the forests of Endor), Clockwork Orange and Hamlet. (Even a cursory viewing should be enough to satisfy the viewer that it's neither paying homage to or ripping off the original series of the Avengers).
Why? They substituted blundering double entredre for subtle repartee, stilted conversation for fast moving dialogue, and horror of horrors, let Uma appear as Mrs Peel with VPL! This alone led me to believe that they'd never actually seen stills from the original production, let alone an original episode.